Would You Rather? Avengers style
by TheGreatElisaMousy
Summary: Tony has the brilliant idea to have the Avengers play a healthy game of Would You Rather. Things get... interesting. UNICORN ARGUMENT WARNING.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers. They belong to MARVEL, and there's a bit of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes cartoon in here, mainly in Clint's personality to make things a little more interesting, and for a reason that will be explained in another fanfic at some point in time, Steve made Tony leader.**

**Okay, so my friends and I play Would You Rather? in lunch ay school, and I thought, hey, what the hell, why not? So… Avengers, Assemble!**

"Alright, Stark, we're all here, now what do you want?" Steve asked his fellow Avenger and successor as leader.

"I just thought of a great 'team-building' kind of exercise for us!" the genius said with a smile.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Clint muttered.

"You and me both," Natasha replied.

"Come on, guys, you're taking the fun out of it!" Tony complained.

"Just tell us why we're here," Bruce said, wanting the other man to just get to the point.

"Well, I was thinking, we don't know each other as well as a team should," Iron Man pointed out. "So, to fix that, I thought we'd play a friendly game of Would You Rather."

"What is this 'Would You Rather'?" Thor asked, confused.

Natasha sighed and crossed her arms. "It's a stupid game where people ask each other stupid questions."

"C'mon, please?" Tony practically begged in a very Tony-like fashion. "It'll be fun, I promise."

"We're not going to get him to shut up until we cave," Clint commented. "So, why not? I'm in."

"Barton has a point," Natasha added. "Me, too."

"I guess it's worth a try," Bruce agreed.

"I have to leave for Wakanda in two hours, but I guess I can stay until then," Steve said.

"Say hi to T'Challa**(1)** for me, would you?" Tony asked.

"I will, don't worry."

"I would like to play your Midgardian game, as well," Thor said.

"Well, since we're all in agreement," the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist said with a grin. "JARVIS? Open connection to You Rather."

"Connection is open, Sir," the AI running the tower replied. "Would you like to begin?"

"Yeah," Tony replied. "Everyone, take a seat."

All of the Avengers sat down on the various couches and chairs in the room while Tony took a seat on a bar stool. "First question, please."

"**Would you rather be wanted for murder and be on the run, or be a homeless man who only has boxers?"**

"What kind of question is this?" Thor asked, looking very confused.

"Welcome to the world of Would You Rather, big guy," Clint said with a laugh. "I'd have to say wanted for murder."

"Murder," Natasha agreed.

"Homeless," Bruce answered.

"I would rather be a homeless man than commit murder, as well," Thor said.

"Homeless," Steve agreed.

"Probably homeless," Tony commented. "JARVIS? Next question, please."

"**Would you rather kill Godzilla and have half the city destroyed because of it, everyone will know you, or kill the Kraken and save the city from future catastrophe without anyone knowing?"**

Clint laughed. "Godzilla or the Kraken? Seriously? Alright, I'd say… Godzilla. Too hard to shoot underwater."

"Godzilla," Natasha said. "You get more maneuverability on land."

"I'll take the Kraken, thanks," Bruce said. "I don't do well with the media."

"I would wish to best the Kraken as well," Thor added. "I do not know what this 'Godzilla' of yours is, but I would not wish to destroy any part of the city because of it."

"I'm with Thor on that one," Steve commented.

"Godzilla, hands down," Tony said. When they all gave him looks that clearly said that they wanted him to elaborate, he said, "Okay, one, it would be a _lot_ cooler to say 'I took down Godzilla' than 'I took down the Kraken' unless you're, like, Scottish or something**(2)**. Two, I could pay for any damage done to the city."

"And three, it gets you lots of attention," Clint said offhandedly, causing the other Avengers to laugh. Tony pretended to glare, but waited for JARVIS to ask the next question.

"**Would you rather magically flip genders every year, or be forced to move and start fresh every year? When you move, you have to start again in the new location. This includes friends, job, etc."**

Clint, who had taken a drink of water, coughed violently. "Okay, wait, what? Switch what, now?"

"Genders, Agent Barton," Tony said, resting his chin in his hand. "What's your answer?"

"Move," Clint said, still coughing slightly. "Tasha and I had to do that all the time anyway, whenever we were undercover."

"I'm going to have to say the same," the redhead added.

"I'd say move every year. Staying in place for too long could be dangerous."

"And just take a minute to imagine what She-Hulk would look like," Tony commented.

"I would rather not," Thor blanched, and Clint visibly gagged, while Natasha, Bruce, and Steve looked quite disturbed. "That aside, I would not wish to leave such good friends behind every year. I would agree to change genders."

"Thor's got a good point," Steve said. "I think I'm with him on that."

"I'd switch genders, too," Tony said with a grin. "I would make one sexy woman!"

"JARVIS? We're ready for the next question now," Natasha said with a glare that quickly shut Tony up.

"Of course, Ma'am. **Would** **you rather run the world's only unicorn petting zoo or always have the car of your dreams? The unicorns would be real, you can't sell them, but you would be world famous. Your car would be magically delivered for free."**

"Car," Clint replied with a shrug. "The car's free. How much would you have to pay for the unicorn? I mean, there's food, upkeep…"

"You really thought this out," Bruce commented.

"What if everything that came with the unicorn was free?" Tony asked. "Plus, they never said anything about the gas for the car. And how about repairs?"

"You have a point. But how much space would the unicorn need?" Clint mused. "Or what if it was an angry unicorn? Are there angry unicorns? Thor?"

"Asgard may have pegasi, but we do not have unicorns, I'm afraid," the god replied.

"Damn," Clint muttered.

"_Moving on_," Natasha said. "I'd pick the car, too."

"I'm going to say the unicorn," Bruce said. "In a lot of myths, they can have calming effects on people."

"I would prefer the unicorn as well," Thor commented. "I do not have a favorite car, as they are simple Midgardian tools."

"Car," Steve said. "The unicorn's a little too out there for me."

"Cap, you fought a guy with no skin on his face, you were frozen in ice for several decades, and you've helped us fight a _god_ and _aliens_, and a _unicorn_ is too 'out there' for you?" Tony asked incredulously, shaking his head. "I've already got my favorite car, so I'm going to have to go with the unicorn."

"**Would you rather be Gandalf or Luke Skywalker?"**

"Gandalf," Clint replied. "Magic could probably freeze people in place so that they can't dodge or _grab_ my arrows."

"Skywalker," Natasha said, but wasn't going to elaborate.

"Gandalf," Bruce replied. "Luke's life is just a little too stressful for me."

"And Gandalf's isn't?" Tony asked. "He has to go and keep helping the hobbits."

"I do not know who this 'Gandalf' or 'Luke Skywalker' is," Thor answered.

"Gandalf's a wizard. Luke Skywalker's a guy with a glowing energy sword," Tony answered, "who can use the Force."

"I would prefer Gandalf, then," the god replied.

"Skywalker," Steve said simply.

"Luke Skywalker," Tony replied with a grin. "I always wanted to use the force, and I've been trying to build a light saber for years, but it hasn't really worked yet." At the looks Bruce, Clint, and Natasha were giving him, he said, "What?"

"**Would you rather save the world but nobody knows, or save the world but die as a hero in the process?"**

"Have nobody know," Clint answered. "I don't really want to die, thanks."

"SHIELD agents work in the shadows," Natasha added.

"Again, I'd want no one to know," Bruce said. "No press."

"I do not with to die, so I would have to agree with our friends," Thor responded.

"I'm with them," Steve said. "A true hero doesn't need recognition." They all turned to look at Tony, who they were sure they knew what his answer would be.

They did not expect to see him start to shake and gasp for breath.

"What is wrong with the Man of Iron?" Thor asked, concerned.

Realization dawned and Natasha wanted to smack herself, everyone else, and even JARVIS. "He's having a panic attack. Pepper told me that the incident with the nuke gave him PTSD."

"My apologies, Sir," JARVIS said. "I was merely reading the next question provided by the website."

"What do we do?" Clint asked.

"Give him some room," Bruce replied. "Thor, go open a window. We need some fresh air in here."

"Understood," Thor answered, walking over to the nearest window and opening it, letting in the nice summer breeze. After a few moments, Tony began to calm down.

"Maybe we should stop?" Steve suggested, but Tony shook his head.

"No way, this is too much fun," the genius argued. "Just be more careful, alright, JARVIS?"

"Of course, Sir. **Would you rather have your blood sucked by a vampire or have your brain eaten by a zombie? Both choices lead to the same state. You would be turned into a vampire or a zombie, or you would die in either case."**

"Vampire," Clint said. "Night vision would really help on missions. As long as they don't sparkle."

"Vampire," Natasha agreed. "Clint's right, and they move a lot smoother than zombies."

"Zombie," Bruce answered. "That way, the Other Guy wouldn't be much of a threat anymore."

"I would prefer a vampire, but I would wish death," Thor replied.

"A zombie," Steve said. "Death would be a lot quicker."

"Vampire," Tony answered. "I happen to like my brain, thank you very much!"

"**Would you rather only speak in words that begin with H, or not be able to say any words that have the letter E in them?"**

"Not saying words with E," Clint answered. "I mean, what would I be able to say? 'He helps horribly hasty huskies?"

"Hulk hears him hating Hessians?"

"Her handbag has handy hearts?"

"Hawaii's horny hobbits?"

"Headmaster has horrible hospitals?"

"I think we're all in agreement on this one," Steve commented dryly.

"**In an unlucky survival situation, would you rather go swimming with sharks, or go swimming with alligators? There is no guarantee you would live or die with either."**

"Sharks," Clint said, "They're easier to shoot."

"Easier to hurt, too," Natasha replied.

"I'd have to say the sharks, too," Bruce answered. "They're typically much less aggressive than alligators, unless we're dealing with great whites, tigers, or bulls."

"I must agree with friend Bruce," Thor replied. "And lightning conducts very well in ocean water."

"I'd go with the alligators," Steve said. "A shark could swallow my shield whole."

"Alligators," Tony agreed. "My suit would be harder for them to rip through than a shark."

"Have you tested that?" Natasha asked.

"Yes, actually," Tony said. "I still have what's left to prove it."

"**Would you rather order a beer at a gay bar, or order a mudslide at a sports bar? Assume you are a straight male."**

"Tony, where the hell is JARVIS getting these questions?" Clint asked.

"A website," the billionaire replied. "Now answer the question."

"Mudslide. Too much awkwardness at the gay bar."

"Gay bar," Natasha replied. "I don't do mudslides."

"I'll say the mudslide," Bruce added. "Alcohol and I don't mix well."

"I would agree with the mudslide," Thor said. "I do not like your Midgardian alcohol. It is too weak."

"Of course it is," Steve deadpanned. "Mudslide."

"Why, do gay bars make you uncomfortable, old man?" Tony asked, laughing as Cap's face turned red. "Beer, because, well… Beer."

"**Would you rather lose the ability to feel emotions, or be physically paralyzed?"**

"Emotions," Clint said with a shrug. "You can still function without them."

"That's true," Natasha agreed.

"Emotions," Bruce said. "No anger, no Hulk."

"I would prefer paralysis," Thor replied, surprising everyone. "Emotions make us who we are. Without them, what are we?"

"Took the words right out of my mouth," Steve commented.

"Paralyzed," Tony said. "No rules against using Stark tech to fix it."

"**Would you rather be a vampire, or be a werewolf?"**

"Vampire. I can't really fire a bow during a full moon as a werewolf," Clint said logically.

"Werewolf," Natasha said. "The senses would help with recon."

"Vampire," Bruce said. "One type of transformation is enough for me, thanks."

"I would prefer to be a werewolf," Thor responded. "For some reason, it just seems… more appealing than the alternative."

"I agree with Thor," Steve added.

"Werewolf," Tony agreed. "Then, at least you're only a part-time monster."

"**Would you rather be famous in this lifetime or go down in the history books?"**

"Go down in the books," Clint replied.

"I'm with Clint," Natasha said. "Undercover work is hard when you're famous."

"Go down in the books," Bruce said, but he no longer had to say the reason. Press issues.

"Famous in this lifetime," Thor replied. "When a mortal is in need, they would know to call upon me for assistance."

"Thor brings up a good point, but I'll go down in the history books," Steve commented.

"I'm already famous, and I probably _will_ go down in the history books, so bitch please," Tony said with a grin.

"Very good, Sir," JARVIS said dryly. "Ah, here is one you will appreciate, Sir. **Would you rather be Wolverine, or be Iron Man?"**

All Avengers, Tony included, laughed.

"I can't believe they actually have that on there!" Clint said with a laugh. "Wolverine," he said, just to spite the real Iron Man.

"Wolverine," the others, sans Tony, agreed.

"Come on, guys, where's the love?" the man said with a fake pout.

"**Would you rather be called out for stupidity, or admit stupidity?"**

All Avengers had the feeling that if the AI had a body, or at least a face, he would be looking directly at his creator. "Called out," Clint said. "No way I'd ever admit it."

"You own up to what you are," Natasha said. "I'd admit it."

"Natasha's right," Bruce said. "I'd have to agree with her."

"As would I," Thor replied.

"Me, too," Steve added.

"Are you kidding me? Why would you admit something like that?" Tony asked, shaking his head. He really didn't understand his team sometimes.

"**Would you rather eat chocolate covered turd, or turd covered chocolate?"**

"Either way, you're getting turd, so I'd say the turd covered chocolate, so you have something to wash the nastiness down with," Clint said. "And seriously! Who the _hell_ comes up with these questions?!"

"Chocolate covered turd," Natasha said with a shrug.

"It doesn't matter to me," Bruce said, shaking his head at the absurdity of the question.

"I would prefer the chocolate on the inside," Thor said.

"Chocolate covered turd. Make it bearable for a little while," Steve said.

"And Bruce is right that it doesn't matter. Turd is turd, and it'll make you sick either way," Tony commented, making a very good point for once. "Alright, JARVIS, I'm sure Steve wants to double and triple check that he's ready to go, so… last question? Make it count."

"**Would you rather looks like a female and have male parts, or look like a male and have female parts?"**

"WHAT?!" Clint yelled. "Because _that's_ not an embarrassing question!"

"One you have to answer, Barton," Tony pointed out.

"Uh… look female with male parts? I like my parts where they are, thanks."

"Look female with male parts," Natasha commented. "My appearance gets me what I want on missions."

"So you _don't_ have sex to get your information?" Tony asked, earning a death glare. "Shutting up now…"

"Male with female parts," Bruce said. "That way I'd still look the same."

"Male with female parts, just as Banner stated," Thor agreed.

"I'll go with female with male parts," Steve said. "I prefer my parts."

"Either way, I'm a perfect human being**(3)**!" Tony said with a grin, dodging the various objects that were tossed at him. "Alright, guys, admit it, that was pretty fun."

"Alright, okay, sure," Clint admitted, and Natasha nodded in agreement.

"It was quite amusing, and did provide… interesting… insight to our fellow teammates," Thor commented.

"Well, I suppose I should go double and triple check my things, then," Steve said, giving Tony a pointed look, but the smile revealed that he was joking.

"Maybe next time we can play—" Tony started.

"If you finish that sentence with 'truth or dare', I'll make you a male with _no_ parts," Natasha growled, resulting in Tony's traumatized face, while everyone else laughed.

**My side notes:**

**1: For any who don't know, T'Challa is also known as the Black Panther. He's an Avenger in the comics, as well as in the cartoon, and he's also the king of the fictional African country of Wakanda.**

**2: While at the beach, my friend and I kept seeing dark spots in the ocean from our hotel room when there were no clouds, so we joked around saying that there were Krakens, but whenever we talked about it, we had to do so in a Scottish accent. If you're Scottish and this offends you, I'm sorry.**

**3: When my friends and I were playing Would You Rather at lunch, this question came up, and I said **_**exactly**_** that, and realized that it would definitely be something Tony Stark would say. That's actually what gave me the idea for this.**

**I tried to make it funny without being completely up with the crack, but I'm not sure how I did. If it's not funny for you, sorry… Anyway, hope you enjoyed~**


End file.
